TNA Impact Wrestling Report: Feast or Fired

Impact opens up with highlights from last week and then we see Rockstar Spud “somewhere near Gainesville, GA” as he leaves a message on Dixie Carter’s phone. Apparently he’s in search of AJ and lost.

Jeramy Borash is in the ring with the Wheel of Dixie and four briefcases. He says that a World Title shot is one briefcase, a Tag Title shot in one briefcase, an X-Division Title shot in one, and a pink slip in the other. Tonight is the return of the Feast or Fired Match. Is Vince Russo back and no one informed me?

JB goes to spin the Wheel of Dixie to see what the World Title Tournament Finals stipulation would be but Kurt Angle’s music interrupts him and he snatches the microphone from JB. Angle screams at JB to get out of the ring and then flips over the table with briefcases and punches the Wheel of Dixie. Angle screams about Bobby Roode screwing him out of the World Title and he wants to end this thing between them once and for all right now.

Bobby Roode walks out onto the stage and asks Angle if he really wants to fight him right now as he takes his jacket off. Roode tells him “too bad” because it’s not going to happen, and he says if anyone should be pissed off its him. Roode says it was him that was eliminated from the World Title Tournament due to slipping and falling through a table. Roode says he has physically and mentally beaten Angle down over the last several months and he says that he owns Angle. He says that he is better than Angle but Angle says Roode will never, ever beat him again.

Angle says he’s so sure of it that he could beat Roode twice in one night, but Roode says that’s impossible and he has nothing left to prove. Angle jumps out of the ring and attacks Roode! Angle slams him into the ring steps and then rolls him into the ring. Angle Spears Roode and then starts punching him in the head repeatedly. Referees and security run out and pull them apart but it doesn’t last long.

TNA agents run out to try and calm Angle and Roode down but Roode gets away from security and kicks Angle in the balls! Roode grabs the microphone and gets in Angle’s face. He says that he would like to see Angle try to beat him twice in one night so he proposes Angle vs. Roode, 2/3 Falls next week at Final Resolution!

A vignette highlighting the Joseph Park/Bad Influence drama is shown.

In the back Park is shown pacing back and forth as EY tries to get him focused on their match. EY says tonight is his chance for revenge and asks if he’s ready.

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Bad Influence vs. Joseph Park & “Showtime” Eric Young

EY and Daniels start the match off against each other as an “EY” chant breaks out. They go for a lockup but Daniels kicks EY and then puts him in a side headlock. EY shoves Daniels into the ropes and then leapfrogs him and connects with a Flying Forearm! EY puts Daniels in a wristlock and then tags Park into the match. Park twists the arm of Daniels but Daniels pokes him in the eyes and then shoves him into the corner. Daniels hits a series of shoulder blocks and then goes for a splash, but Park moves out of the way and tags in EY. EY hits a dropkick but Daniels answers with a knee to the gut. Kaz tags in but gets backdropped by EY. EY mounts Kaz in the corner and rains down right hands on Frankie. EY tosses Kaz into the babyface corner and tags Park back into the match. Park hesitates before going for a suplex which allows Kaz to recover and hit a dropkick that sends Park crashing into the turnbuckles. Kaz hits a forearm and then slams him into the heel corner. Daniels tags back in and Bad Influence take Park down to the mat. Kaz hits a round kick to the chest and then Daniels hits a Sliding Clothesline to the back. Kaz follows up with an Elbow Drop and then Daniels starts taunting Park before punching him repeatedly. Daniels tags Kaz back in and then holds Park as Kaz kicks Park in the chest. Kaz talks trash to Park and then knocks EY off the apron. Daniels comes in and holds Park while Kaz slaps him repeatedly. EY comes back in and clotheslines both members of Bad Influence. EY tosses Kaz over the top and Kaz lands on top of Daniels! EY tries to get Park fired up and gets in his face telling him to fight back against Bad Influence. EY then puts Park in a headlock and says “I’m sorry” before he punches him repeatedly until he busts Park open. Park finally sees the blood on his face and starts to flip the hell out. Bad Influence climb back in and hit Park in the back but then realize that Park has been busted open and look like they’ve seen a ghost. Park hits a double clothesline on Bad Influence and then Chokeslams Kaz! Park hits a Splash on Daniels in the corner and then the Shock Treatment! Kaz hits the ropes but eats the Black Hole Slam! 1…2…3!

Winner: Park & EY via pinfall (Black Hole Slam)

After the match Park snaps back into it and EY says things got a little crazy. He says that 18 months ago Park started searching for Abyss and he knows exactly why Park can’t find him. EY says the reason that he can’t find Abyss is because Park IS Abyss. EY leaves the ring as Park stares at the ground and shakes his head.

EC3 is getting a massage as he says he had to take out another “legend” in Earl Hebner last week, and he’s going to have another Hall of Fame moment tonight that will make social media explode.

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EC3 comes down to the ring and looks over at Brian Hebner and tells him not to worry because he’s safe tonight. He says that he figured that they’d try something a little different tonight and his handpicked opponent is TNA’s “social media guru” Jeramy Borash.

JB says hell no but EC3 reminds him that he’s a Carter and tells him to get in the ring. Sting’s music then interrupts him and The Icon walks down to the ring as EC3 looks none too happy. Sting says he can’t hardly believe he’s actually standing in the ring with such greatness and mockingly asks to shake EC3’s hand. He shakes it and then says EC3 is like a skyrocket in wrestling and he feels like he needs to hang on to EC3’s belt loop he’s such a rising star. Sting says the truth is that EC3 has done absolutely nothing in this business and that he thinks he can have everything fed to him on a silver spoon. He says that because of his last name he gets doors opened for him that should have never been opened, and what he did last week was despicable. Sting says later on tonight there will be a very special match where guys will do what EC3 hasn’t and that is risk and take chances something EC3 hasn’t. Sting says it’s about time that EC3 did something real and man up and take a chance in Feast or Fired tonight, or he can just fight Sting right now!

EC3 gets in Sting’s face and says if Sting wants him to do something memorable then he’s on! EC3 acts like he’s going to lockup with Sting, but then EC3 stops and says he’ll enter himself in Feast or Fired and then bails out of the ring as the fans boo him.

Rockstar Spud is still lost as he pulls up to a gas station. The guy tells Spud where AJ’s friends usually hang out. How hilarious is it to see this dork looking at a map when there is a GPS plainly in sight?

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Gail Kim and Lei’D Tapa come down to the ring and Gail says that it’s time for another Open Challenge. She mockingly says that she can’t wait to see who her next challenger is, but ODB’s music hits and Gail looks pissed. The challenge is supposed to be for wrestlers out of TNA.

Gail reminds her that ODB is on the TNA roster and tells her to get out of the ring. ODB says she isn’t out there to kick Gail’s butt, she’s out to kick Tapa’s and then decks her!

ODB clotheslines Gail and then whips Tapa into the corner. ODB goes for a Fall Away Slam but Gail clips ODB’s legs and the heels go to town on ODB in the corner. Suddenly someone runs out and Spears Gail!

It’s Madison Rayne! Rayne tosses Gail out of the ring and then goes after Tapa, but Tapa shoves her away. ODB slaps the piss out of Tapa and then Madison hits her with a forearm. Madison and ODB double clothesline Tapa over the top! Madison does her “Killer Queen” wave at Gail as Tenay reminds us that Gail and Madison were “BFF’s” at one point.

Rockstar Spud arrives at a bar as some hillbillies drink. Spud gets the bartenders attention with a mocking redneck accent. He asks for some weird drink so she grabs a beer and shoves a lemon in it for him.

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Rockstar Spud is still in the bar looking for AJ but the rednecks want him to sing a song. Spud starts to sing a rock version of the British Anthem I think, terribly. He even gets wrapped up in some Christmas lights acting like a fool. A redneck kicks him out of the bar.

A vignette hyping up Feast or Fired is shown.

Storm and Gunner talk about their drama lately and Gunner apologizes to Storm. Storm says there has been a lot of things happening lately but tonight they have a chance to right all those wrongs in the Feast or Fire match. Storm says they could get a shot at all the gold but Gunner says one of them could get fired too.

----COMMERCIAL BREAK----

We’ve gone an hour and seen one match, this has been pretty painful.

Rockstar Spud is still in search of AJ Styles, this time on a dirtroad.

Dixie Carter comes down to the ring and she bitches about Angle destroying the Wheel of Dixie earlier tonight. Dixie says she’ll give Kurt what he and Roode want, the 2/3 Falls Match, and reminds them that SHE makes the matches in TNA. She says her bigger headache remains AJ Styles as he continues to make a mockery of her. She says that next week she gets a REAL World Heavyweight Champion and right now she wants the two challengers to come out.

Jeff Hardy and Magnus come down to the ring. Dixie says that either one of them would make a fantastic champion but she wanted to bring them out and see if they had any final words to say before the match next week. Jeffrey Nero Hardy says he won the BFG Series last year and the World Title at BFG, and 2012 was the Creatures year. Hardy says that was then and this is now and he wins the World Title next week again. Hardy gets a “Hardy” chant started which comes off really lame when people get their own chant started.

Magnus says he may be young but he’s not stupid or blind. He says that he sees and hears that the people are behind him and he knows Hardy has earned their respect. Magnus says next week Hardy isn’t anything but his final obstacle in finally winning the World Title. Magnus says he looks at Hardy as the #1 guy in their industry and to be the #1 guy he has to beat Hardy. Hardy and Magnus shake hands.

Dixie says even though the Wheel of Dixie has been destroyed there is still one match left on it that she’s wanted to see, the Dixieland Match.

A video package describing what the Dixieland Match entails. It’s a Steel Cage Match where a wrestler must escape the cage and then walk up the ramp. At the top of the ramp the World Title will hang in the air and they must scale the ladder and pull down the ladder to win the match. Dixie says whoever wins the match will travel the world with her on her private jet to represent TNA.

In the back Chris Sabin approaches Velvet in the back and asks if she has his back, she does apparently.

Spud is still searching for AJ at presumably his home. This numbnuts thinks about breaking in before realizing the door is open as he says “I bloody love Georgia.” Spud accidentally stumbles onto the World Title but AJ walks downstairs and asks Spud if he found what he was looking for. AJ asks Spud if he really thought a little British man with a rainbow bowtie would come into his town throwing AJ’s name around and he wouldn’t be the first person to get a call. AJ says he knew Spud was coming and that’s why he left the door unlocked and reminds him that he’s one step ahead of Spud and Dixie. AJ says they can handle this one of two ways, either call the police or he can call some friends. AJ asks if Spud has seen the movie “Pulp Fiction” and Spud looks like he’s about to sh*t himself. Spud tries to leave with the belt but AJ takes it from him as Spud runs out of the house.

----COMMERCIAL BREAK----

TNA X-Division Championship 
Chris Sabin w/Velvet Sky vs. “A-Double” Austin Aries

Aries and Sabin lockup with Aries catching Sabin in a headlock. Sabin forces Aries into the corner forcing Aries to break the hold. Sabin chops Aries which pisses him off and then Aries chops him right back. Sabin gets a side headlock on Aries but Aries shoves him into the ropes and then they take turns running the ropes. Sabin gets frustrated and hits the ropes again but this time as Aries drops down Sabin goes for an Elbow Drop. Aries rolls out of the way and Sabin bails out to the floor. Aries lays across the top turnbuckle taunting Sabin so Sabin climbs back in the ring and charges at Aries, but Aries drops down to the floor and Sabin runs into the turnbuckles. Aries taunts Sabin again running around ringside before he stops and checks out Velvet’s ass. Sabin goes for a Baseball Slide but Aries rolls out of the way and then climbs back in the ring. Aries hits his own Flying Dropkick through the ropes. Aries climbs up top and sets up for the Savage Flying Axehandle but Sabin uses Velvet as a shield. Aries drops down on the apron and Sabin sweeps Aries’ legs and then slams him into the apron. Back in the ring Aries fights back with elbows but Sabin catches him with a Leaping Knee Strike. Sabin attempts to whip Aries into the corner but Aries reveres it and then charges at Sabin. Sabin backdrops Aries over the top but then eats a forearm from Aries. Aries hits a jawbreaker onto the top rope and then climbs up top and dives off with a Missile Dropkick! Sabin sidesteps Aries and then hits a crazy Spinning Gutbuster! 1…2…NO Aries kicks out! Sabin goes for another nearfall and then another but Aries continues to kick out. Sabin hits a series of body shots and then puts Aries in an Abdominal Stretch while flirting with Velvet at ringside. Sabin drops Aries down across the top rope with a suplex and then covers Aries for a nearfall. Sabin goes for another suplex but Aries counters into a front suplex onto the top rope of his own. Aries nails Sabin with a series of forearms as well as boxing the head of Sabin. Aries finally hits a Roaring Elbow that sends Sabin crashing down to the floor! Aries climbs up top and dives off with the Savage Flying Axe Handle to the outside! Aries tosses Sabin back in the ring and then climbs up top and dives off with the Missile Dropkick. Sabin retreats to the corner and Aries goes for the IED, but Sabin gets his boot up and kicks the hell out of Aries in midair. Sabin climbs up top and goes for a Tornado DDT but Aries shoves Sabin off. Sabin then charges at Aries but Aries catches him with a Japanese Armdrag that sends Sabin crashing into the corner! Aries hits the IED and then he goes for the Brainbuster but Sabin holds onto Velvet’s hand at ringside to block it. Aries gets pissed at Velvet thinking that she was doing it and Sabin rolls him up! 1…2…NO Aries kicks out and shoves Sabin into the ropes. Sabin almost hits Velvet who was on the apron but he’s able to put the brakes on in time. He then turns around right into a boot followed by the Brainbuster from Aries! 1…2…3!

Winner & NEW X-Division Champ: Aries via pinfall (Brainbuster)

----COMMERCIAL BREAK----

In the back Aries is bitching about losing the belt and as Aries walks by he accuses Aries of using his “beautiful little sunflower Velvet” to win the title. Sabin says Aries is lucky he has a rematch but it may not even matter because he’s going to be in Feast or Fired and he might win another shot at the belt or even a shot at the World Title. Aries says he’s going to steal Sabin’s idea and enter Feast or Fired and then Aries says he might steal his woman too.

Magnus talks about the World Title Match and then he gets a call.

A vignette highlighting the World Title Tournament is shown.

Main Event
Feast or Fired Match 
Zema Ion vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Hernandez vs. James Storm vs. Gunner vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Samoa Joe vs. Curry Man vs. Dewey Bares vs. Norv Fernum vs. Chris Sabin vs. Austin Aries vs. Ethan Carter III

Mr. Anderson is the first out but as he does his intro Bully Ray creeps up behind him and lays him out! Bully then Piledrives Anderson on the stage! Bully grabs Anderson’s microphone and says, “in the beginning good always overpowered the evils of all man’s sin, but in time nations grew weak, cities fell to slums, and evil stood strong. In the dusts of hell lurked the blackest of hates for he who is fear awaits you. Now many lifetimes later you laid destroyed beaten down, a corpse of a rebel, ashes of a dream, and bloodstained streets. It has been written that those who have the youth, have the future…Ken Anderson, you have raped me of my future. Your wife is pregnant with twins and I am going to see to it that I am responsible for their future.” All while Ray is cutting this promo an eerie sound is coming from the speakers like an organ. At first I thought he was quoting scripture but a quick Google search reveals he was quoting a Motley Crue Intro to “Shout To The Devil” called “In The Beginning,” priceless.

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Curry Man must be having some pretty bad flashbacks at this match since he’s already been fired once because of it, and just as I say that the bell rings and Curry Man bails out of the ring and says “forget this” as he walks up the ramp. Hilarious. Everybody else starts brawling. Norv tries to dive over the top onto Sabin and Dewey but they both move out of the way and Sabin laughs at him. Aries then hits a gorgeous Slingshot Corkscrew Plancha onto all of them on the floor! Zema goes for a dive but Hernadnez cuts him off and then goes for a clothesline, but Zema ducks and hits a Flying Dropkick through the ropes onto Aries on the floor! Hernandez hits the Super Mex Dive onto everybody on the floor! Gunner then backdrops Storm into a Plancha onto Hernandez on the floor! Norv and Dewey hit stereo Somersault Planchas onto Gunner and Storm on the floor! Samoa Joe is the last man standing in the ring and he obliterates Dewey and Norv with the Elbow Suicida! EC3 teases a dive but climbs up top and pulls down briefcase #3!

----COMMERCIAL BREAK----

Back from commercials Joe is laying people out with elbows and forearms. Joe backdrops Chavo over the top and then sends a charging Hernandez into him! Joe hits a running elbow and then a leaping Enziguri on him! Joe tosses Storm into Gunner and then clotheslines Gunner over the top! Dewey charges at Joe but eats an Atomic Drop and then a Mafia Kick! Joe then Powerbombs Norv on top of Dewey! Sabin climbs up top but Joe chops him and then grabs a hold of him but Sabin kicks him and goes for a Tornado DDT. Joe shrugs him off so Sabin charges at him again only to eats a Uranage Suplex! Joe then grabs Zema on the apron and goes for a Supplex into the ring but Dewey and Norv dump him over the top! Norv and Dewey climb up top but Zema shoves him to the floor. Zema climbs up top and pulls briefcase #2 down.

Aries climbs up top to get a briefcase but Storm grabs his leg. Aries kicks him off into Hernandez and then Aries dives off with a Flying Cross Body onto Storm and Hernandez! Aries whips Chavo into the corner and then Storm into the opposite corner. Aries hits a Running Forearm on Storm and then sidesteps a charging Gunner sending him crashing into Storm! Hernandez kicks Aries and goes for a Powerslam but Aries blocks it and hits a Roaring Elbow! Aries hits the IED on Gunner and then one for Hernandez and then one for Storm and finally one on Chavo! Aries dropkicks Joe as he gets on the apron and then climbs up top. Dewey and Norv pull him down but Aries shoves them into each other. Aries hits a Roaring Elbow on Norv that sends him into Dewey in the corner. Aries charges at them but they backdrop him over the top. Aries lands on the apron and hits them both with Jawbreakers on the top rope. Aries climbs up top and hits a Double 450 Splash on Norv and Dewey! Aries climbs up top and grabs a briefcase but Sabin pulls him down face first into the apron. Aries reverses an Irish Whip on Sabin into the ring steps! Joe beats the crap out of Chavo in the corner and then goes for a splash, but Chavo moves out of the way. Chavo then goes for a Monkey Flip but Joe blocks it and sits Chavo on the top rope. Chavo forearms Joe and then dives over him as Joe charges at him. Hernandez then sends Chavo flying in the air up to the top rope to retrieve a briefcase! Chavo pulls down briefcase #4. I’m going to laugh my ass off if that is the fired case. Joe goes for a Lariat on Storm but Storm blocks it and then hits him with a Russian Leg Sweep as Gunner comes flying in with a clothesline on Joe at the same time! Storm and Gunner whip Hernandez into the ropes but eat a clothesline from Hernandez. Gunner shoves Hernandez into the corner and then hits a Splash. He goes for another splash but this time Hernandez gets his boots up and then he flips himself to the top rope. Gunner crotches him on the top rope and then climbs up with him and goes for a Superplex but Hernandez headbutts him off. Dewey and Norv climb up with Hernandez for a Double Superplex and then Gunner runs over and hits the Tower of Doom! Storm hits the Last Call on Joe who was on the apron sending him to the floor! Storm climbs up top to pull down the briefcase but Gunner crotches him and then climbs up and pulls down briefcase #1! Gunner actually stood on Storm’s back as he pulled the briefcase down.

Winners: Gunner, Zema Ion, Chavo Guerrero Jr., & EC3

Dixie Carter is at some restaurant eating when Jeff Hardy walks in as Dixie says he was the last person she expected to see.