We are in Corpus Christi, Texas and your announcers are Michael ‘Next on Mystery Announcers’ Cole and John ‘When do we get General Manager: Impossible’ Layfield.
Before our first match, Damien Sandow has something to say. He tells the halfwits of Corpus Christi hello. He wants them to say hello to their uncrowned World Champion and then he demands SILENCE. He is grateful that they have taken time from cow tipping and watching the bug zapper on the porch to be enlightened.
Damien tells everyone to behold their uncrowned World Champion and Intellectual Savior of Money in the Bank. He tells everyone that they are welcome.
Match Number One: Randy Orton versus Damien Sandow in a Battle of the Briefcase Battle
They lock up and Sandow with a side head lock. Orton with a back elbow. They lock up again and Sandow with a side head lock and take down. Orton with a head scissors and Sandow escapes. Sandow with a kick and side head lock. Orton with a reversal and Sandow backs Orton into the corner and he connects with shoulders and punches.
Orton with kicks and a head butt. Orton with a clothesline into the corner and then he gets the crowd cheering for him before connecting with another clothesline into the corner. Orton with a suplex for a near fall.
Orton stomps on the hand and foot and then he rakes his boot laces across the face. Orton with a snap mare but he misses the leaping knee drop. Sandow with kicks to Orton and then he chokes him in the corner. Sandow with a head butt and punches. Orton sends Sandow over the top rope to the floor.
Oton rolls to the floor and he connects with a European uppercut and then he gives Sandow a back drop driver onto the ringside barrier. Orton sends Sandow back into the ring and he gets a near fall. Sandow runs Orton into the turnbuckles and he connects with shoulders. Sandow kicks Orton and chokes him.
Sandow has a punch blocked and Orton with punches and kicks. Orton with a European uppercut and Sandow goes to the apron. Orton thinks about the IEDDT but Sandow drops Orton across the top rope and he gets a near fall as we go to commercial with Sandow connecting with a leaping knee drop.
We are back and Orton climbs the turnbuckles and he punches Sandow in the head. Orton with a European uppercut but Sandow with a knee to the midsection. We see Orton hitting a drop kick during the commercial break (ON THE WWE APP). Sandow drops Orton’s midsection on the top rope and he gets a near fall. Sandow with knee drops to the ribs and then he stomps on the abdomen.
Sandow with punches to Orton and he gets a near fall. Sandow with a body scissors and Orton escapes. Sandow with forearms across the chest and he gets a near fall. Orton with kicks and a head butt. Sandow with knees to the midsection followed by a side Russian leg sweep and then he sets for the Elbow of Disdain and he connects and gets a near fall.
Sandow with another near fall. Sandow with a few forearms across the chest and then he returns to the body scissors. Orton punches Sandow and he is able to get out of the body scissors. Orton and Sandow exchange punches with Orton getting the advantage. Sandow with an Irish whip but Orton with a clothesline out of the corner. Orton with another clothesline and then he ducks a clothesline and hits the power slam.
Sandow with a kick to Orton but Orton with a European uppercut to Sandow. Orton sets for the IEDDT and Cody Rhodes makes his way to the ring. Sandow with a back drop that sends Orton to the floor.
Cody takes Damien’s briefcase and he walks away with it. Orton with an RKO for the three count.
Winner: Randy Orton
After the match, Cody continues to hold on to the briefcase while Sandow recovers from the RKO he just received. Cody heads to the back.
CM Punk walks in the back and we go to commercial.
We are back and CM Punk is going to address the people of Corpus Christi.
Punk says that it is official. He got what he wanted and it will be The Best versus The Beast. Since Monday night, people have been telling him that he has fallen into Paul Heyman’s trap. That is what Paul wants everyone to think. For eight years, Paul was not just his best friend, he was a mentor, a teacher. He taught him about being the dirtiest player in the game.
You don’t exploit an enemy’s weakness, you attack it over and over and over again. That is what he is going to do to Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam. He says that he is an expert on what Brock’s biggest weaknesss is. Punk says that it was his biggest weakness. It was trusting Paul Heyman. Paul’s biggest weakness is his ego.
He is not going to stand out here and say that Paul did not stick his neck out when nobody would. Paul helped him get to the WWE, but he has been beating himself up because he realized that Paul didn’t do it for Punk, he did it for him.
Paul saw someone who everyone knew was going to succeed and Paul put his stamp of approval on him so Paul could say that he made Punk. Paul called him a thoroughbred last week and that was what Paul wanted, another horse in the race. Paul wanted two horses. He always wanted the Best versus The Beast and Paul thought he could be in both corner. Paul wanted it all and at SummerSlam he is going to take it from him.
Punk says that he will handle everything that Brock will dish out to him. Punk says that he will kick Brock in the face over and over and over until Brock is an unrecognizable pile of failure. Then he will have something for Paul . . .
Fandango’s music plays and Summer and Fandango make their way to the ring.
Fandango enters the ring and Punk hits him with the mic and then he connects with knees. Punk with a Go To Sleep to Fandango.
We go to commercial.
Match Number Two: Wade Barrett, Darren Young, and Titus O’Neil versus Mark Henry, Jimmy Uso, and Jey Uso
Young and Jey start things off and Young works on the wrist and he applies an arm bar. Young with a side head lock. Young with a shoulder tackle but Jey with chops and then he tags in Jimmy. Jimmy with a kick and punch to Young. Jimmy sends Young into the turnbuckles and he chops Young. Jimmy with punches but Young grabs Jimmy’s head and Titus with a boot to the head.
Barrett tags in and he connects with knees to the head followed by a short arm clothesline and he gets a near fall. Barrett puts Jimmy on the turnbuckles and he connects with forearms to the back and a kick to the midsection to knock Jimmy off the turnbuckles and Barrett with a near fall.
Titus tags in and he drops a leg to the throat followed by an elbow drop and then he applies a reverse chin lock. Jimmy with elbows and a head butt and then he tries for a cross body and Titus catches him and then tosses Jimmy over his head and to the mat. Titus barks for Jey and Mark.
Jimmy has a kick blocked and then Titus spins him around and he connects with a dragon whip. Henry tags in and he connects with a clothesline and body block. Young runs into a body block and Henry with a power slam for a near fall. Jimmy with a super kick to Barrett when he tries to interfere. Henry grabs Young and sends him towards Jey for a super kick. Henry with the World’s Strongest Slam for the three count.
Winners: Mark Henry, Jimmy Uso, and Jey Uso
We go to commercial.
We are back with the WWE Rewind: The Daniel Bryan Gauntlet.
Michael Cole reminds us of the main events for Raw. Daniel Bryan will face Kane and John Cena will face Ryback in a Tables Match.
Vickie Guerrero is on the phone and she says that Teddy got what he deserved.
Alberto Del Rio enters the office and he says nice things about Vickie and Vickie asks Alberto what is going on.
Alberto tells Vickie that she owes him something because he is wrestling Rob Van Dam tonight. Since Brad Maddox allowed John Cena to pick his opponent at SummerSlam, he feels that it is only fair for him to get the same opportunity.
Vickie says that she will give Alberto one week to think about it.
Rob Van Dam enters the office and he says the answer is obvious. It is Rob Van Dam.
Alberto asks Rob if he thinks that he can come back after six years and get a title match against the Real Deal Alberto Del Rio. Van Dam has to prove himself.
Rob says that he can prove himself by beating Alberto in the ring tonight.
Damien Sandow is in the back and he is looking for Cody Rhodes but no one will help him. Sandow asks Sin Cara if he has seen Cody Rhodes since he absconded with his briefcase. He thanks Sin Cara for wasting his time.
Match Number Three: Rob Van Dam versus Alberto Del Rio in a Non Title Match
Van Dam with kicks and punches to Del Rio and the referee warns him. Van Dam with more kicks and punches but Del Rio goes to the floor. Del Rio gets back to the apron but he goes back to the floor to get inside Van Dam’s head.
Van Dam with a jumping spin kick to Del Rio when Del Rio tries to sneak up on Van Dam. Del Rio says ‘no mas’. The referee asks him to speak English while Del Rio complains about his ribs. Van Dam goes into the corner again and the referee pulls Van Dam out and Del Rio was playing possum and he kicks Van Dam in the head and gets the three count.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Alberto Del Rio celebrates his victory and goes to the back.
Damien Sandow continues his search for Cody Rhodes and his briefcase and he has no luck. Sandow asks Booker T and Mark Henry. Sandow says that he knows that Mark is looking for the Shield, but he is looking for Cody and is briefcase.
Booker asks Sandow if he is kidding and Mark asks if he looks like a snitch. Neither have seen him. Booker and Mark say that they cannot stand a thief.
Sandow says that Booker should know something because he is the General Manager . . . well he used to be.
Booker cannot believe that Damien said that and Sandow walks away.
AJ Lee makes her way to the ring and she is followed by Big E Langston and we are going to find out what is going on in AJ’s mind. We go to commercial.
We are back with the Smack of the Night: Dolph Ziggler talking about letting AJ go as his girlfriend, AJ Lee’s reaction, and the kiss on the forehead.
AJ says that she is out here to clear the air. For everyone who thinks that she is a gentle nudge away from a mental breakdown because of what happened with Kaitlyn or if her good hearted, noble actions were misunderstood and her heart was stomped on by that heartless, cold blooded, selfish, no good son of a (you know what), Dolph Ziggler, you would be mistaken.
AJ says that she is fine. She is A-OK because she has the Divas Title. She is the Divas Champion and she will forever be the savior of the Divas Division. The title is never leaving her. To show how fine she is, she shows everyone the keys to Dolph’s home. She remembers the day that she got her copy. She was going to go into the home and break in and burn everything to the ground, but she is ready to let go of them.
Dolph’s music plays and he makes his way onto the stage.
Dolph asks AJ if she doesn’t think he has passed out hundreds or thousands of those keys. The locks have been changed a few times.
AJ calls Dolph ‘puddin’ and then she says that he is not the smart one. AJ has Big E get Dolph’s suitcase.
Dolph asks if AJ is being reduced to stealing from him. Everything in the ring is totally replaceable.
AJ tells Langston to hold the mic while AJ cuts up Dolph’s driver’s license.
Dolph says a day at the DMV would be a picnic compared to a day with AJ.
AJ then cuts up his passport.
Dolph says that there is a passport agency two blocks from his home and she owes him a favor for something he taught her. That can be replaced.
AJ goes for the next item to destroy and she takes his money out of his wallet. Then she cuts up his credit cards.
Dolph says that it is better to stay off the grid and then he says that he has money in his pockets and he doesn’t have any pockets.
AJ says that she is fine and then Dolph tells her that those aren’t voices in her head and it is the people in the crowd.
AJ starts throwing Dolph’s clothes around the ring. AJ continues to freak out while everyone calls her ‘psycho’.
AJ pushes Langston while he tries to calm her down.
From out of nowhere, Kaitlyn spears AJ. Ziggler goes to ringside and he gives Langston a Fameasser.
We go to commercial.
We are back with the WWE Rebound and it is a look at the Daniel Bryan Gauntlet.
Match Number Four: Brodus Clay and Tensai (with Naomi and Cameron) versus Luke Harper and Erick Rowan (with Bray Wyatt)
Harper and Tensai start things off and Harper with a boot to Tensai followed by forearms. Harper with more punches. Tensai with punches but Harper with a back elbow. Tensai with a clothesline for a near fall and Rowan breaks up the cover. Clay goes after Rowan after he sends Tensai into the mat a few times. Rowan with knees and he sends Clay to the floor.
Rowan pulls Tensai into the corner and then Harper with a splash into the corner followed by a discus clothesline and Rowan is tagged in and he hits a splash for the three count.
Winners: Luke Harper and Erick Rowan
After the match, Wyatt gets into the ring while Harper and Rowan hold up Tensai. Wyatt grabs Tensai, kisses him on the forehead, and then hits Sister Abigail.
Wyatt gets on the mic and he tells Kane that he suspects that he will be looking for him. That is alright because he has never been too hard to find. If Kane needs him, he will be right here, with all of his friends. They have been waiting for Kane. He has always been waiting for him. He says to look to the sky and follow the buzzard.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Vickie Guerrero is in her office and Damien Sandow enters demanding to know where Cody Rhodes is. Damien tells Vickie that he stole his briefcase. Vickie tells him to relax because she has contacted the authorities.
Damien says that he does not have time and he will find his briefcase tonight.
Zeb Colter has something to say before the next match. He asks if they are in Texas or Northern Mexico. Coming over here, he had to drive through Northern Mexico and he was willing to have his vehicle searched. The agent told him that there is no need to search his vehicle because he is a Real American.
He agrees with Zeb that we need to stop people from sneaking across our borders. We need more people like him and Jack Swagger. Just like that man told the truth last night, he has two truths. He wants his country back and Christian has overstayed his welcome.
Match Number Five: Christian versus Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter)
They lock up and Swagger with a waist lock take down and he does push ups on Christian’s back. They lock up and Swagger backs Christian into the corner and he pushes Christian but Christian punches back. Christian climbs the turnbuckles and he punches Swagger. Swagger tries to take Christian to the mat but Christian with a sunset flip attempt. Swagger does not go over and he picks Christian up by the side of the head.
Swagger sends Christian into the turnbuckles but Christian gets his feet up. Swagger with a shoulder tackle. Christian sends Swagger over the top rope to the floor and then Christian with a pescado onto Swagger. Christian rolls Swagger back in and Christian goes up top but Swagger climbs the turnbuckles and he sends Christian to the mat with a belly-to-belly superplex and Christian goes to the floor as we go to commercial.
We are back and Swagger misses a charge into the corner and Christian with a pendulum kick. Christian goes to the turnbuckles for a missile drop kick. Christian punches Swagger followed by a forearm and then he slingshots to the floor and connects with an uppercut. Christian goes up top for a cross body but Swagger moves.
Christian blocks the Doctor Bomb and then Swagger blocks the Killswitch. Swagger tries for a belly-to-back suplex but Christian lands on his feet and he hits an inverted DDT and he gets a near fall. Christian prepares for the spear but Colter distracts him and Swagger tries to capitalize but Christian moves. Christian with a back elbow from the turnbuckles. Swagger with a belly-to-belly suplex for a near fall. Swagger gets to his feet first and he goes for the double jump Swagger Bomb but Christian gets his knees up. Christian goes to the turnbuckles for a sunset flip but Swagger rolls through and applies the ankle lock.
Christian escapes and he sends Swagger shoulder first into the ring post. Christian with the Killswitch for the three count.
Winner: Christian
After the match, Damien Sandow’s music plays and he storms to the ring. Sandow demands a microphone and he says that he wants everyone to know that he is issuing a warrant as soon as the authorities arrive. He wants Cody arrested for grand larceny and he demands that Vickie fire Cody because he is a thief.
We all know that there is nothing worse than a thief in the locker room.
Cody Rhodes appears on the TitanTron and he says that he knows that Damien has been looking all over the arena for his briefcase. It turns out that he is not in the arena. He is standing in front of the Gulf of Mexico. He tells Damien if he wants his case, he will give it to him, as long as he comes out to get it.
Damien runs to the back and Cole explains the geography of Corpus Christi.
Sandow storms through the back as we go to commercial.
We are back and Damien is still walking through the back. He leaves the building and he almost gets hit by a car.
Damien begs for Cody not to do anything. He tells Cody not to do anything stupid.
Cody asks Damien if he is calling him stupid and Damien says that he is not.
Damien reminds him that they were best friends and a tag team. He says that Cody was their leader and that Cody is smarter than him. Damien says that Cody is his intellectual superior. He tells Cody that he has better facial hair.
Cody likes what Damien says, and he tells Damien that he has earned it. Cody sends the briefcase into the Gulf of Mexico.
Cody wishes the Little Mermaid luck and he hopes the case floats.
Damien demands that someone help him. Damien says that he cannot swim. The briefcase goes under water and Damien jumps into the water even though he cannot swim.
Damien makes it back to dry land but he does not have his briefcase.
Damien tries to regain his composure as we go to credits
No comments:
Post a Comment